This Time

This time there was nothing I could do to destroy it.
No wallpaper to tear down.
No walls I could kick holes in to.
No punching bag I could hit until I bruised.

There was no support system.

There was a finite amount of tissues.
There was a class to wake up for tomorrow.
There were neighbors who could hear my frustration.

This time it had the upper hand.
Even though I had all the resources.

Without willpower to use them,
All I really had was dust in the wind.

Easy

It's easy to ignore a problem until it isn't anymore.

Mantras

On that day, under those circumstances, I performed to the best of my ability.

Insensitive

I know that you are not trying to be insensitive when you say it.
But you are.
So please choose your words with care.

When you say that you should use your excuse too
It makes me feel like
Glass is cutting into my skin.
Like fire ants are crawling over my body.
Like I want to scream.

I cannot do these things.
I wish I could.
But you don't understand what your words do.
How insensitive you're being when you say
Excuse.

It's not an Excuse.
It's a condition.
An illness.
A curse.

Something that you do not have.
Something I hope you never do.
Something you do not understand.
Your insensitive words, make you insensitive too.

Hard

It's hard for me to tell you.
Because you'll only want to help.
And we both know that you can't.
Sometimes I can't help myself.

Sometimes I fall into this place where I want to quit.
And I can't move past it all.
Those things that hold me back.
And you or anyone else won't understand.
Can't understand.

So I don't tell you.
And it puts this wall between us.
Slowly.
And I want to tear it down.
But I'm so scared of what you'll say
When you see that I'm not all that strong
At all.

Stuck

It's hard to know where to begin sometimes.